The adoption triad consists of the children who are adopted, birth mothers and fathers and adoptive parents. Even if these three groups never meet together, their lives are bound to one another through adoption. The children are connected to both sets of parents, and the birth parents and adoptive parents are connected to each other through the children. There are joys and sorrows for everyone joined to adoption. Birth parents may miss the child they created, but may also be comforted that the child is being well cared for and loved in her new home. Adoptive parents may be concerned that the child will feel the loss of her biological parents but may be happy to love, care and raise the child. The child may wonder about her biological parents but may cherish and love her adoptive parents. These thoughts and feelings are complicated, complex and lifelong, and are dealt with more easily by some people while others may struggle with them. Each adoption is unique and so is the adjustment to it. But, with love and support, most adoptions are successful at creating loving and stable environments in which children blossom.

Not all adoptions are successful and some people are opposed to adoption, but those who support adoption recognize it as a way to provide children with a safe, stable, and loving home environment. If you are considering adoption, you probably already know some of the challenges. Our society sends mixed messages about adoption. On one hand, you have probably seen or heard public service announcements that talk about how precious adoption can be; what a difference you can make in a child's life. On the other hand, you will see movies or news stories where an adopted child has been in trouble or an adoption was done illegally. Of course, this happens. But, biological children also do horrible things and biological parents sometimes do horrible things to their children. Your decision to adopt should be about your family. Do you want to parent a child and are you willing and able to face the challenges that being an adoptive parent may bring?

These are a couple of very difficult questions that must be answered prior to beginning the adoption process. With the possibility of becoming adoptive parents, there is a responsibility of the highest commitment owed the potential adpoted children. It is critical that you do extensive research on the adoption process, so you can determine if it is truly an experience you can manage. The children must not be given false hope. At this point in their lives, they need and deserve nothing less than complete and reassuring love.

One of the main questions that adoptive parents must ask themselves is can they love a child not born to them? If you read stories and books by adoptive parents, you will find that the majority come to see themselves connected to their adopted children in ways not understood by people who think that a genetic link to their children is the essential tie. Years ago, Cybthia McFadden interviewed Barbara Walters and her adopted daughter about this very issue. Barbara Walters and her daughter were so loving and demonstrated so strongly the power of love as the key to successful parenting. The Lifetime Network had a show called Adoption Stories that profiled families' journeys through adoption. Watching these parents struggle through the adoption process and then watching these parents with their children, you could not help but be inspired. And, these families clearly loved and were loved by their adopted children.These families showed that parenting is a choice and they could easily love a child not born to them. While it might not be for everybody, for most people it is just another way to make a family.

Asking yourself these tough questions is important. For some people, the answers come easily. If you are one of those who know, you can meet a child's need for a family openly and you can help that child as he grows ( and support him if he has questions or struggles about his adoption), your next step is to find an adoption agency that can work with you to help you in this amazing journey.

Tags: Adoption Announcement, Adoption General Information

 

What will we face when adoptees ask their birth parents, "Why did you put me in a gay home instead of with a heterosexual family? Was it because the gay couple paid a higher fee to an attorney or the birth mother?" Many professionals and birth parents are concerned with what the long term effects will be when an adopted child is purposely placed with and raised by a same sex couple. For adoptees, dealing with the normal stresses of life, along with always explaining the relationship with their parents and their adoptions, are challenge enough. How much more confused will their lives become with the added stress of the abnormal parent issue?

Two adoptees, now pre-teens, recently shared about their struggle in life and how they confidentially wished their birth parents, as they put it, "had loved them enough to place them in a normal home." Nick, age 12, shared, "I just don't get where she was when she thought this was going to be the best thing for a me. It isn't the best and I hate her for what she did. Why didn't she want me to have a normal life? I don't even have friends over and they don't invite me to their house. It just sucks. I am a freak, being raised by even freakier parents."

Jodi, age 14, shared a similar reaction. "Like the kids in school expect me to be gay too. I'm not and I think my birth mother must have really not cared where I went. I look at my friends at school and they have like completely normal lives, a mom and a dad. I have two dads. One of my friend's parents found out about my parents and won't let me hang around with their daughter, because I might influence her. I hate my life and can't wait to get out on my own. I don't fit in. My biological mother didn't care and my adoptive parents don't care either. I don't know where I fit in." Jenny is a 26 year old birth mother who chose a Lesbian couple to adopt her twin girls who are now 10 years old. She says, "I thought at the time it was cool. You know, they didn't have a chance anywhere else, and I was the one to help them make a family. They (the Lesbian couple) showered me with stuff and I thought at the time, "Hey why not?"

That was 10 years ago.

She now tells us, "One of the twins speaks to me and the other doesn't want to have any contact at all. I feel very bad and regret my decision. I was young and stupid; the attorney I used pushed this couple on me. I could ring her neck now for taking advantage of me and telling me that the only people that could help me were a gay couple. I didn't think of what the kids would think later. I don't know how that attorney sleeps at night. I wish I had made another decision, but I didn't. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I did."

Most articles and reports focus on the rights of gay couples to adopt. No one talks about the rights of the children to be raised in an accepted family with a mom and a dad. They treat the children as a possession. Many prospective gay or lesbian parents turn to public foster care programs to create a family, as social workers are trying to get the children out of foster care and into any kind of home. The best interest of the children, again, is the last thing considered.

One social worker shared confidentially that she didn't have a choice. "I have a huge case load. They come in and push and push and we need to get the numbers up for the month, and we just roll over. I have never shared with my family what I do, but I carry a burden about the future. My job is very stressful; you don't know how hard it is to find parents for special needs children. If all I have to choose from are same sex couples, well then, they get to adopt the kids. What can I say?"

The system is set up much different than it was years ago. More state and private agencies are allowing gay adoptions in domestic and international adoptions. The agencies that are not supposed to accept gays turn their heads when asking a "single" parent about their family and personal life.

Some social workers flatly tell gay couples what to say on their applications and home study to get it approved. But what about the children? Until more straight adoptive parents step up and adopt waiting children, we will see an increase in children's anger regarding getting second best when it came to parents.

Nick and Jodi rightfully wonder how birth parents, social workers and attorneys will deal with the kids' anger for their actions today? Time will tell. And until then more children are placed in homes where the daily struggles and challenges of normal life suddenly have to take on the abnormal as well.

 

About the Author

Author Helen McDaniel is married and the adoptive mother of 3 children. She works with children in foster care and with family issues.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption General Information

The pain of giving up a child for adoption can be lessened with open adoption. In open adoption, the birth mother can interview prospective parents and decide who the birth parents will be. The birth parent can be just a single mother or it can include the father in the decision-making. Either way, their one concern is that the baby be placed in an adoptive home where it will be well cared for and have the best chances for its future.

The tools birth parents use to evaluate prospective adoptive parents:

 

• Resume
• Photos
• Phone Call
• Interview

 

The Resume

Unlike a job resume the adoptive resume consists less of vital statistics and more of the personal attributes and view of life of the adoptive parents. In it there should be a letter, which should begin "Dear Birth Mother" and indicate why the parents are seeking adoption and their views on open adoption. It should include personal information like the type of neighborhood, hobbies, relatives, education and home life. This gives the birth mother a good idea of how committed the family is to adoption and what types of resources her child will have growing up.

Photos

As corny as the old adage is, a picture is still worth a thousand words. Close-up photos of the birth parent are important, but so too are the pictures of siblings, pets, household, neighborhood, and special occasions. Here a prospective adoptive couple can get very creative in conveying just how wonderful their life is and how they have much to offer an adopted child. The birth mother will want to be able to picture her child in the happy, loving home of its adoptive parents.

Phone Call

Before a face-to-face interview is scheduled, often a phone call is set up by the adoption agency or lawyer. This is usually a conference call and questions are sometimes scripted so that all prospective adoptive parents get the same questions. If the birth mother feels there is a potential match, she can request an interview.

Interview

The birth parent interview with the prospective parents may be held at a restaurant with the prospective parents understanding they are to pay for the meal. The counselor helping the adoption process will most likely also be there. This is the time when birth parents can assess if the family is a really good match with more in-depth questions than what were given in the phone interview.

After this entire process, there are a variety of factors a birth mother will evaluate in choosing the new parents. Many focus on education, religion, and the stability of the home. They prefer to know that their child will have a good chance at being well-educated and that the family doesn't move around too often and the marriage is sound. She will be anxious to know their views on open adoption and how much contact they will allow her after the adoption takes place.

The deciding factor in all these communications can end up being the fact that birth parents are musically inclined, like the birth mother, or have hobbies and skills that the birth mother appreciates. It's hard to tell what will swing the vote, but mostly both adoptive parents and birth mother can tell upon the interview if they are a good match without hesitation.

Another set of factors may be the cultural heritage of the couple or their expressed religious faith. If it closely matches the birth mother's values, the birth mother will know her child is being raised in a similar environment to her own. Language barriers may also be a reason why a birth mother chooses close to her own culture, plus the understanding that the child will have good roots in a family that can support it, but also roots in its ethnicity and people.

There are many ways a birth parent chooses the family for her baby. It is a long and involved process but one that can bring a sense of peace to the birth mother and the joy of a new child to adoptive couples. Establishing good, honest communication during the adoption process between the birth parent and the adoptive parents is a skill they will need to continue on with a process that can last a lifetime.

Tags: adoption agency, domestic adoption

A mummy! A daddy! The belief that all children are entitled to a family! The belief that all who want to be parents will excel at the life-long process involved! These beliefs, cherished by all cultures, are the foundation for adoption. Yet, in reality, society doesn?t always wholeheartedly support an adopted child or those who create a home for it.

Adoption occurs when biological parents, who are usually also the legal parents, transfer over complete and permanent rights and obligations to raising a child. These legal parents usually freely choose adoption and willingly sign the necessary consent forms.

However, when a child has been subjected to abuse or neglect, or even abandoned, the courts may order that the child be ?put out for adoption.?In the court-ordered cases, the child usually remains in a foster home until he is about six or seven years old before being placed for adoption.

The differences between adoption and foster homes are reflected in the permanence of adoption. Foster homes are always considered temporary, and foster parents have no legal rights as to the long-term care of the child, even if the courts order the child returned to an abusive environment.

A child may have many sets of foster parents over the years; adoptive parents are technically there for the lifetime of the child.

Many myths abound about the mental, emotional and physical well-being of an adopted child, and that?s exactly what 99% are: only myths. The ?poor little adopted child? in reality is usually a well-fed, loved, delightful child who has been given opportunities that exceed what many ?non-adopted? children receive. The adopted child has been spared from living under circumstances where he is not wanted, or where, although wanted, the parents couldn?t take care of him.

The challenges come more from the reactions of society than from the home circumstances. In our society today outsiders still sometimes rudely ask a child born in a different country,?What are you?? (referring to their race). When a white-skinned person adopts an African American child many in society still look on with a frown at the grocery store.

Another myth is that the adopted child will always feel ?rejected,? yet that word ?always? should be watched. Most psychologists and social workers have come to understand that a person raised in its biological home is just as apt to feel rejected as an adopted child. It all depends on the circumstances and how much bonding and love and attention is experienced.

Growing up to be a responsible adult is a challenge for people raised under any circumstances. Sometimes people choose not to be responsible and make excuses about how they were raised. For those people, if they were adopted, that is a convenient excuse, although usually it is not an accurate representation.

Curiosity is part of human nature. For those who are adopted, it is natural to wonder who their biological parents were and what became of them. The love they feel for those who have raised them does not diminish by this curiosity. And, it is natural for the biological parents to wonder what became of their baby or child.

Yet, for all concerned, the past is like a cancelled check you can?t keep spending it. Whether adopted or not, here and now is where we are living! How fortunate we are that adoption exists so dreams of being part of a family can be a delightful reality for all.

 

About the Author:

Adoz Lizzat is the webmaster of Peak Adopts which tackles all adoption issues.For more information, go to: http://www.adoptionr.com

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption General Information, Orphans and Orphanages, special needs adoption

Although the decision to give up a child is always heart-wrenching, it can be a "win-win" solution to two painful problems. Adoption is a legal process that gives adoptive parents rights and aresponsibilities and the adoptive child social, legal and emotional rights as a family member.

Putting a child up for adoption allows the child?s birth mother to continue with schooling or career, and she has a chance to create a stable home life before taking on the responsibility of motherhood.

More and more adoptions are including the birth mother as a permanent part of the child?s future, which makes the decision easier for the biological parents, but may make it more difficult for the adopting parents.

Of the approximately 120,000 children that are adopted by U.S. citizens every year, about half are adopted by people who are not related to the child. The other half re by grandparents, step parents, or other family members.

Both biological and adoptive parents should carefully consider the decision. If you are thinking that adoption may be the best solution for your baby, you should decide how much contact, if any, you would like to have with your child in the future. If you would like to stay connected, find an adoption agency that specializes in open adoptions. Find out from the agency or attorney if you will be able to choose your baby?s new parents, or determine their race, age or economic status.

If you want to adopt a child, you will also need to make many difficult decisions, and take a good look at your own situation and expectations. Can you afford a child with special needs, for instance, or would you be comfortable adopting an older child from the foster care system? Some prospective parents believe an older child would bring joy to their home, but others have carefully looked at their feelings, and know they could only bond with an infant.

Parenting does require financial security and a safe, stable home. However, a child doesn't need "perfect" parents and adoption agencies don't make unreasonable requirements. You will not be automatically disqualified if you are single, divorced, parenting other children, or because you have a disability. Some adoption agencies will consider working with gay and lesbian families. You do not need to own your own home or be wealthy or highly educated.

You do need to have tons of love available. A half-ton of patience would help, too.

If you are trying to adopt an infant, especially a Caucasian infant, you may find additional restrictions because of such a high demand. If you are interested in adopting a Native American child and are not yourself a Native American, you may be disqualified. Some agencies encourage cross-race adoptions, while others do not.

Adoption agencies are located in almost every city, and some attorneys specialize in adoption law. Referrals are recommended.

Both biological and adopting parents should carefully research the adoption process before contacting an agency or an attorney. The more you know about how adoptions work, the more sure you can be of having your needs met.

Both biological and adopting parents should also consider finding a support group, so you?ll have others in your situation to talk to. This is one of the biggest decisions in your life, and it?s common to have no family members or friends who have ever made this decision. It helps relieve the stress if you join a group of people who understand exactly what you?re going through.

If you?re a teen mother, or if your pregnancy was unexpected and unplanned, adoption agencies will have many prospective parents on their waiting lists. The waiting time for adopting parents is likely to be much. Since many unwed mothers are now choosing to terminate their pregnancy or to keep the child, prospective adoptive parents can expect to wait up to two to three years.

Biological parents will probably have their medical costs paid by the adoption agency. Adopting parents may find programs that help cover the expense of adoption. The Federal Adoption Tax Credit was $10,630 in 2005. Some employers are also offering financial assistance to adopting parents. Employers may offer loans, family leave, and health benefits.

Tags: Adoption General Information, Orphans and Orphanages