The pain of giving up a child for adoption can be lessened with open adoption. In open adoption, the birth mother can interview prospective parents and decide who the birth parents will be. The birth parent can be just a single mother or it can include the father in the decision-making. Either way, their one concern is that the baby be placed in an adoptive home where it will be well cared for and have the best chances for its future.

The tools birth parents use to evaluate prospective adoptive parents:

 

• Resume
• Photos
• Phone Call
• Interview

 

The Resume

Unlike a job resume the adoptive resume consists less of vital statistics and more of the personal attributes and view of life of the adoptive parents. In it there should be a letter, which should begin "Dear Birth Mother" and indicate why the parents are seeking adoption and their views on open adoption. It should include personal information like the type of neighborhood, hobbies, relatives, education and home life. This gives the birth mother a good idea of how committed the family is to adoption and what types of resources her child will have growing up.

Photos

As corny as the old adage is, a picture is still worth a thousand words. Close-up photos of the birth parent are important, but so too are the pictures of siblings, pets, household, neighborhood, and special occasions. Here a prospective adoptive couple can get very creative in conveying just how wonderful their life is and how they have much to offer an adopted child. The birth mother will want to be able to picture her child in the happy, loving home of its adoptive parents.

Phone Call

Before a face-to-face interview is scheduled, often a phone call is set up by the adoption agency or lawyer. This is usually a conference call and questions are sometimes scripted so that all prospective adoptive parents get the same questions. If the birth mother feels there is a potential match, she can request an interview.

Interview

The birth parent interview with the prospective parents may be held at a restaurant with the prospective parents understanding they are to pay for the meal. The counselor helping the adoption process will most likely also be there. This is the time when birth parents can assess if the family is a really good match with more in-depth questions than what were given in the phone interview.

After this entire process, there are a variety of factors a birth mother will evaluate in choosing the new parents. Many focus on education, religion, and the stability of the home. They prefer to know that their child will have a good chance at being well-educated and that the family doesn't move around too often and the marriage is sound. She will be anxious to know their views on open adoption and how much contact they will allow her after the adoption takes place.

The deciding factor in all these communications can end up being the fact that birth parents are musically inclined, like the birth mother, or have hobbies and skills that the birth mother appreciates. It's hard to tell what will swing the vote, but mostly both adoptive parents and birth mother can tell upon the interview if they are a good match without hesitation.

Another set of factors may be the cultural heritage of the couple or their expressed religious faith. If it closely matches the birth mother's values, the birth mother will know her child is being raised in a similar environment to her own. Language barriers may also be a reason why a birth mother chooses close to her own culture, plus the understanding that the child will have good roots in a family that can support it, but also roots in its ethnicity and people.

There are many ways a birth parent chooses the family for her baby. It is a long and involved process but one that can bring a sense of peace to the birth mother and the joy of a new child to adoptive couples. Establishing good, honest communication during the adoption process between the birth parent and the adoptive parents is a skill they will need to continue on with a process that can last a lifetime.

Tags: adoption agency, domestic adoption

 

What will we face when adoptees ask their birth parents, "Why did you put me in a gay home instead of with a heterosexual family? Was it because the gay couple paid a higher fee to an attorney or the birth mother?" Many professionals and birth parents are concerned with what the long term effects will be when an adopted child is purposely placed with and raised by a same sex couple. For adoptees, dealing with the normal stresses of life, along with always explaining the relationship with their parents and their adoptions, are challenge enough. How much more confused will their lives become with the added stress of the abnormal parent issue?

Two adoptees, now pre-teens, recently shared about their struggle in life and how they confidentially wished their birth parents, as they put it, "had loved them enough to place them in a normal home." Nick, age 12, shared, "I just don't get where she was when she thought this was going to be the best thing for a me. It isn't the best and I hate her for what she did. Why didn't she want me to have a normal life? I don't even have friends over and they don't invite me to their house. It just sucks. I am a freak, being raised by even freakier parents."

Jodi, age 14, shared a similar reaction. "Like the kids in school expect me to be gay too. I'm not and I think my birth mother must have really not cared where I went. I look at my friends at school and they have like completely normal lives, a mom and a dad. I have two dads. One of my friend's parents found out about my parents and won't let me hang around with their daughter, because I might influence her. I hate my life and can't wait to get out on my own. I don't fit in. My biological mother didn't care and my adoptive parents don't care either. I don't know where I fit in." Jenny is a 26 year old birth mother who chose a Lesbian couple to adopt her twin girls who are now 10 years old. She says, "I thought at the time it was cool. You know, they didn't have a chance anywhere else, and I was the one to help them make a family. They (the Lesbian couple) showered me with stuff and I thought at the time, "Hey why not?"

That was 10 years ago.

She now tells us, "One of the twins speaks to me and the other doesn't want to have any contact at all. I feel very bad and regret my decision. I was young and stupid; the attorney I used pushed this couple on me. I could ring her neck now for taking advantage of me and telling me that the only people that could help me were a gay couple. I didn't think of what the kids would think later. I don't know how that attorney sleeps at night. I wish I had made another decision, but I didn't. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I did."

Most articles and reports focus on the rights of gay couples to adopt. No one talks about the rights of the children to be raised in an accepted family with a mom and a dad. They treat the children as a possession. Many prospective gay or lesbian parents turn to public foster care programs to create a family, as social workers are trying to get the children out of foster care and into any kind of home. The best interest of the children, again, is the last thing considered.

One social worker shared confidentially that she didn't have a choice. "I have a huge case load. They come in and push and push and we need to get the numbers up for the month, and we just roll over. I have never shared with my family what I do, but I carry a burden about the future. My job is very stressful; you don't know how hard it is to find parents for special needs children. If all I have to choose from are same sex couples, well then, they get to adopt the kids. What can I say?"

The system is set up much different than it was years ago. More state and private agencies are allowing gay adoptions in domestic and international adoptions. The agencies that are not supposed to accept gays turn their heads when asking a "single" parent about their family and personal life.

Some social workers flatly tell gay couples what to say on their applications and home study to get it approved. But what about the children? Until more straight adoptive parents step up and adopt waiting children, we will see an increase in children's anger regarding getting second best when it came to parents.

Nick and Jodi rightfully wonder how birth parents, social workers and attorneys will deal with the kids' anger for their actions today? Time will tell. And until then more children are placed in homes where the daily struggles and challenges of normal life suddenly have to take on the abnormal as well.

 

About the Author

Author Helen McDaniel is married and the adoptive mother of 3 children. She works with children in foster care and with family issues.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption General Information

So you've met the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with. You get married, ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Right? Well perhaps happily every after? is subjective and means something different to different people. But whatever happens after you ride off into the sunset and disappear into the horizon, your married life will eventually have to make room for the little pitter patter of tiny feet. Right?

Well there are quite a few married couples who realize that for one reason or another, they cannot bear children together. Some married couples try for years to get pregnant, try all the fertility treatments (mainstream and alternative) and still come up empty handed. There are also some married couples who either married too late or waited too long so they reach the stage of past child-bearing age and suddenly, they feel they want a child. Then there are still some couples who have their own children and yet they feel the need to spread their joy and love further to other children still.

How ever different these three scenarios are, there may come a point in their lives when they will come across the life altering question they need to ask themselves, Am I ready to adopt a child??

The scarlet letter
Child adoption is a big step in a married couple?s lives and may be one of the biggest decisions they will have to make together that have a long lasting impact in their lives. Having children is a big responsibility in itself and child adoption brings with it its own set of sensitivities.

For all the right reasons
If you a childless married couple who have come to the end of their ropes in the hopes of conceiving, please take into consideration that child adoption isn?t necessarily the answer to your problem. Continued unsuccessful attempts at trying conceive can greatly strain a married couple?s relationship and it can test even the strongest of the strong.

At the point where you seem desperately grasping at straws, you might think of adopting a child to keep the marriage together. But think it through thoroughly because you are bringing in a new life into yours and it wouldn?t be fair to adopt under these circumstances. Remember, adopting a child doesn?t mean that all your problems will be solved. Adding a new member to your already chaotic relationship may even result in more harm than good.

Child adoption is a big responsibility that has a huge potential to further add love and fulfillment in a married couple?s life provided that they do so after they have considered all they need to consider and make the necessary adjustments for it.

Will it work for you?

So you?ve come to a decision that you want to adopt a child. You may be emotionally and mentally ready individually and as a couple enough to embark on this path but are you ready in other aspects?

First do some research and find out the requirements for child adoption. Also, find out statistics like how quickly can you expect to be able to find a child do adopt and bring home. Finding these details out will help both of you manage expectations.

Whatever you?ve been through to get to the point of wanting to adopt, remember to not focus so much on the fact that you cannot conceive your own children, instead, think of the parent-less child you will be bringing into your loving home soon.

 

About the Author:

Robert Thatcher is a freelance publisher based in Cupertino, California. He publishes articles and reports in various ezines and provides air purifier resources on www.your-adoption-resources.info.

Tags: Adoption General Information

In the 1950's single mothers had few options if they became pregnant. Often, they were whisked away to homes where they were forced to sign their babies away never knowing who the parents were or given time to see their babies. This causes a surge of adopted children to come back years later looking for their birth mothers or insisting on their rights to their medical and genetic history. There are still many out there searching, trying to find their roots and have some sense of identity of where they came from and who they are.

Open adoption seeks to limit those issues that closed adoption caused by allowing the birth mother to meet and interact with the prospective adoptive parents before and after the birth. Some families are committed to keeping the birth mother involved, in which case, the open adoption becomes a new family arrangement that seeks to put the needs of the child first.

Open Adoption Families Although open adoption only means that the birth mother and the adoptive parents exchange information on themselves, it can lead to other arrangements where the birth mother is more involved. It is understood, however, that the birth mother has relinquished all parental and legal rights to the adoptive family. Thus, the fear that a birth mother will try to reclaim a child is minimal. Some families like to invite the birth mother to special occasions like Christenings. Others even have the relatives of the child visit with the birth mother. It all is a personal choice and is not required in open adoptions.

Open adoption can provide the following advantages to closed adoptions, although each situation is different:

 

1. Children can ask a birth mother directly why they were put up for adoption.
2. The adoptive parents and children can have access to medical records and genetic information that allows them to keep good health records.
3. Birth mothers have the option to participate in the adoption planning, even getting to choose who the adoptive parents will be.
4. The birth mother can be assured she has made a good decision placing her child up for adoption.
5. The adoptive parents can be screened to meet legal requirements.
6. The birth mother can receive assistance from the adoptive parents before and after the baby is born.
7. The birth mother can request information or on-going contact in the form of letters, pictures of her child, and/or phone calls.
8. The child can meet birth relatives too and thus establish a larger support system wider than their adoptive family.
9. The child knows where they came from and can even be exposed to their heritage and culture through the birth parents.
10. It allows the child to be able to process losses associated with adoption without making it a lifelong quest for truth.

 

A History Of Open Adoption

Open adoption was prevalent in the 1920's with social agencies not being involved too much. This led to fears that birth parents were advertising their children and placing them in unsuitable homes or selling them outright. The laws for closed adoptions and agency interventions didn't come around until the 1940's and 1950's. Many years later, the fallout from closed adoptions became apparent with many adopted children seeking their birth parents or their genetic and medical history.

Lawyers actually started the movement back to open adoptions by providing an independent agency that would make sure the laws were followed in adoption proceedings and speeding up the adoption process. In many of these cases because it was done in a lawyer's office the parents and birth mother did get to know each other. But, they had high failure rates because of the emotional and social issues of adoption.

By then, the social standards had softened and single mothers no longer were thought of as a shameful secret. Many began keeping their children and fewer children actually were released for adoption. This caused agencies to change so as to meet the concern by mothers that their children were being placed in good homes and would be treated well. If they did not change, fewer adoptions were processed. So, open adoption is becoming more and more the norm. It is a good way to ease the losses of the child, the birth parent, and the infertile adoptive parents and can provide benefits for all.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption Announcement, Adoption General Information

In the UK, this week is Adoption Week. The one time of the year when all the Organisations and Charities involved in all the aspects of Adoption get together to try and help raise the awareness of what Adoption is really all about.

Now in theory this is all ?fine and dandy? (to coin a phrase) but as with all things (Adoption is no different) there are Winners and there are losers.

Now it may be a crime of immense political incorrectness to look at this way but there really isn?t any other truthful way of looking at it.

It is called the ?Adoption Triangle?, the Holy Trinity of Adoption, The three sided equation but in reality there is more.

On the surface of it there is just the Birth Mother, the adopted child and the Adoptive Parents but would that it was that simple. In reality the adoption triangle involves two families in total. On the Birth Families side you have the Birth Parents (everyone tends to forget about the Father), the adopted child?s siblings (that?s brothers and sisters to you and me) and their Grandparents, Uncles & Aunts etc.

On the adoptive families side there are an equally large number of involved personnel (albeit to a different degree) and these all will have in truth some impact though none fall into consideration when the Adoption is processed.

It sounds cold and clinical to talk of Adoption as a procedure, but that it is what it is. In an attempt to heighten and increase the awareness of Adoption, Organisations involved tend to couch their terms in warm comfortable phraseology that tends to wash over the fact that for every ?warm cuddly adoptive family? waiting to welcome into their arms ?the child of their dreams? their will be sometimes be a Birth Mother who is going to be forever separated from her child.

Now in a great many cases, this entire process is for the better but in the past the separation of birth mother and child has quite often been a forced and painful one and there are very few Birth Mothers in existence today who haven?t thought regularly of the child they had and what could, possibly might have been.

People forget that the role of being a Birth Mother isn?t always filled by the Alcoholic drug ridden typecast incapable young girl, the image so lovingly played upon by some Adoption organisations. Quite often the conception and actual birth of a child is a complete social disaster for a number of reasons some of which lie beyond the control of the birth mother herself. The adoption is a traumatic experience that will leave scars of guilt forever etched in the psyche of the birth mother herself.

It is said that time is great healer but there are some scars and experiences that even time cannot heal.

Tags: Adoption Announcement, adoption costs