The adoption triad consists of the children who are adopted, birth mothers and fathers and adoptive parents. Even if these three groups never meet together, their lives are bound to one another through adoption. The children are connected to both sets of parents, and the birth parents and adoptive parents are connected to each other through the children. There are joys and sorrows for everyone joined to adoption. Birth parents may miss the child they created, but may also be comforted that the child is being well cared for and loved in her new home. Adoptive parents may be concerned that the child will feel the loss of her biological parents but may be happy to love, care and raise the child. The child may wonder about her biological parents but may cherish and love her adoptive parents. These thoughts and feelings are complicated, complex and lifelong, and are dealt with more easily by some people while others may struggle with them. Each adoption is unique and so is the adjustment to it. But, with love and support, most adoptions are successful at creating loving and stable environments in which children blossom.

Not all adoptions are successful and some people are opposed to adoption, but those who support adoption recognize it as a way to provide children with a safe, stable, and loving home environment. If you are considering adoption, you probably already know some of the challenges. Our society sends mixed messages about adoption. On one hand, you have probably seen or heard public service announcements that talk about how precious adoption can be; what a difference you can make in a child's life. On the other hand, you will see movies or news stories where an adopted child has been in trouble or an adoption was done illegally. Of course, this happens. But, biological children also do horrible things and biological parents sometimes do horrible things to their children. Your decision to adopt should be about your family. Do you want to parent a child and are you willing and able to face the challenges that being an adoptive parent may bring?

These are a couple of very difficult questions that must be answered prior to beginning the adoption process. With the possibility of becoming adoptive parents, there is a responsibility of the highest commitment owed the potential adpoted children. It is critical that you do extensive research on the adoption process, so you can determine if it is truly an experience you can manage. The children must not be given false hope. At this point in their lives, they need and deserve nothing less than complete and reassuring love.

One of the main questions that adoptive parents must ask themselves is can they love a child not born to them? If you read stories and books by adoptive parents, you will find that the majority come to see themselves connected to their adopted children in ways not understood by people who think that a genetic link to their children is the essential tie. Years ago, Cybthia McFadden interviewed Barbara Walters and her adopted daughter about this very issue. Barbara Walters and her daughter were so loving and demonstrated so strongly the power of love as the key to successful parenting. The Lifetime Network had a show called Adoption Stories that profiled families' journeys through adoption. Watching these parents struggle through the adoption process and then watching these parents with their children, you could not help but be inspired. And, these families clearly loved and were loved by their adopted children.These families showed that parenting is a choice and they could easily love a child not born to them. While it might not be for everybody, for most people it is just another way to make a family.

Asking yourself these tough questions is important. For some people, the answers come easily. If you are one of those who know, you can meet a child's need for a family openly and you can help that child as he grows ( and support him if he has questions or struggles about his adoption), your next step is to find an adoption agency that can work with you to help you in this amazing journey.

Tags: Adoption Announcement, Adoption General Information

The pain of giving up a child for adoption can be lessened with open adoption. In open adoption, the birth mother can interview prospective parents and decide who the birth parents will be. The birth parent can be just a single mother or it can include the father in the decision-making. Either way, their one concern is that the baby be placed in an adoptive home where it will be well cared for and have the best chances for its future.

The tools birth parents use to evaluate prospective adoptive parents:

 

• Resume
• Photos
• Phone Call
• Interview

 

The Resume

Unlike a job resume the adoptive resume consists less of vital statistics and more of the personal attributes and view of life of the adoptive parents. In it there should be a letter, which should begin "Dear Birth Mother" and indicate why the parents are seeking adoption and their views on open adoption. It should include personal information like the type of neighborhood, hobbies, relatives, education and home life. This gives the birth mother a good idea of how committed the family is to adoption and what types of resources her child will have growing up.

Photos

As corny as the old adage is, a picture is still worth a thousand words. Close-up photos of the birth parent are important, but so too are the pictures of siblings, pets, household, neighborhood, and special occasions. Here a prospective adoptive couple can get very creative in conveying just how wonderful their life is and how they have much to offer an adopted child. The birth mother will want to be able to picture her child in the happy, loving home of its adoptive parents.

Phone Call

Before a face-to-face interview is scheduled, often a phone call is set up by the adoption agency or lawyer. This is usually a conference call and questions are sometimes scripted so that all prospective adoptive parents get the same questions. If the birth mother feels there is a potential match, she can request an interview.

Interview

The birth parent interview with the prospective parents may be held at a restaurant with the prospective parents understanding they are to pay for the meal. The counselor helping the adoption process will most likely also be there. This is the time when birth parents can assess if the family is a really good match with more in-depth questions than what were given in the phone interview.

After this entire process, there are a variety of factors a birth mother will evaluate in choosing the new parents. Many focus on education, religion, and the stability of the home. They prefer to know that their child will have a good chance at being well-educated and that the family doesn't move around too often and the marriage is sound. She will be anxious to know their views on open adoption and how much contact they will allow her after the adoption takes place.

The deciding factor in all these communications can end up being the fact that birth parents are musically inclined, like the birth mother, or have hobbies and skills that the birth mother appreciates. It's hard to tell what will swing the vote, but mostly both adoptive parents and birth mother can tell upon the interview if they are a good match without hesitation.

Another set of factors may be the cultural heritage of the couple or their expressed religious faith. If it closely matches the birth mother's values, the birth mother will know her child is being raised in a similar environment to her own. Language barriers may also be a reason why a birth mother chooses close to her own culture, plus the understanding that the child will have good roots in a family that can support it, but also roots in its ethnicity and people.

There are many ways a birth parent chooses the family for her baby. It is a long and involved process but one that can bring a sense of peace to the birth mother and the joy of a new child to adoptive couples. Establishing good, honest communication during the adoption process between the birth parent and the adoptive parents is a skill they will need to continue on with a process that can last a lifetime.

Tags: adoption agency, domestic adoption

 

What will we face when adoptees ask their birth parents, "Why did you put me in a gay home instead of with a heterosexual family? Was it because the gay couple paid a higher fee to an attorney or the birth mother?" Many professionals and birth parents are concerned with what the long term effects will be when an adopted child is purposely placed with and raised by a same sex couple. For adoptees, dealing with the normal stresses of life, along with always explaining the relationship with their parents and their adoptions, are challenge enough. How much more confused will their lives become with the added stress of the abnormal parent issue?

Two adoptees, now pre-teens, recently shared about their struggle in life and how they confidentially wished their birth parents, as they put it, "had loved them enough to place them in a normal home." Nick, age 12, shared, "I just don't get where she was when she thought this was going to be the best thing for a me. It isn't the best and I hate her for what she did. Why didn't she want me to have a normal life? I don't even have friends over and they don't invite me to their house. It just sucks. I am a freak, being raised by even freakier parents."

Jodi, age 14, shared a similar reaction. "Like the kids in school expect me to be gay too. I'm not and I think my birth mother must have really not cared where I went. I look at my friends at school and they have like completely normal lives, a mom and a dad. I have two dads. One of my friend's parents found out about my parents and won't let me hang around with their daughter, because I might influence her. I hate my life and can't wait to get out on my own. I don't fit in. My biological mother didn't care and my adoptive parents don't care either. I don't know where I fit in." Jenny is a 26 year old birth mother who chose a Lesbian couple to adopt her twin girls who are now 10 years old. She says, "I thought at the time it was cool. You know, they didn't have a chance anywhere else, and I was the one to help them make a family. They (the Lesbian couple) showered me with stuff and I thought at the time, "Hey why not?"

That was 10 years ago.

She now tells us, "One of the twins speaks to me and the other doesn't want to have any contact at all. I feel very bad and regret my decision. I was young and stupid; the attorney I used pushed this couple on me. I could ring her neck now for taking advantage of me and telling me that the only people that could help me were a gay couple. I didn't think of what the kids would think later. I don't know how that attorney sleeps at night. I wish I had made another decision, but I didn't. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I did."

Most articles and reports focus on the rights of gay couples to adopt. No one talks about the rights of the children to be raised in an accepted family with a mom and a dad. They treat the children as a possession. Many prospective gay or lesbian parents turn to public foster care programs to create a family, as social workers are trying to get the children out of foster care and into any kind of home. The best interest of the children, again, is the last thing considered.

One social worker shared confidentially that she didn't have a choice. "I have a huge case load. They come in and push and push and we need to get the numbers up for the month, and we just roll over. I have never shared with my family what I do, but I carry a burden about the future. My job is very stressful; you don't know how hard it is to find parents for special needs children. If all I have to choose from are same sex couples, well then, they get to adopt the kids. What can I say?"

The system is set up much different than it was years ago. More state and private agencies are allowing gay adoptions in domestic and international adoptions. The agencies that are not supposed to accept gays turn their heads when asking a "single" parent about their family and personal life.

Some social workers flatly tell gay couples what to say on their applications and home study to get it approved. But what about the children? Until more straight adoptive parents step up and adopt waiting children, we will see an increase in children's anger regarding getting second best when it came to parents.

Nick and Jodi rightfully wonder how birth parents, social workers and attorneys will deal with the kids' anger for their actions today? Time will tell. And until then more children are placed in homes where the daily struggles and challenges of normal life suddenly have to take on the abnormal as well.

 

About the Author

Author Helen McDaniel is married and the adoptive mother of 3 children. She works with children in foster care and with family issues.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption General Information

In the 1950's single mothers had few options if they became pregnant. Often, they were whisked away to homes where they were forced to sign their babies away never knowing who the parents were or given time to see their babies. This causes a surge of adopted children to come back years later looking for their birth mothers or insisting on their rights to their medical and genetic history. There are still many out there searching, trying to find their roots and have some sense of identity of where they came from and who they are.

Open adoption seeks to limit those issues that closed adoption caused by allowing the birth mother to meet and interact with the prospective adoptive parents before and after the birth. Some families are committed to keeping the birth mother involved, in which case, the open adoption becomes a new family arrangement that seeks to put the needs of the child first.

Open Adoption Families Although open adoption only means that the birth mother and the adoptive parents exchange information on themselves, it can lead to other arrangements where the birth mother is more involved. It is understood, however, that the birth mother has relinquished all parental and legal rights to the adoptive family. Thus, the fear that a birth mother will try to reclaim a child is minimal. Some families like to invite the birth mother to special occasions like Christenings. Others even have the relatives of the child visit with the birth mother. It all is a personal choice and is not required in open adoptions.

Open adoption can provide the following advantages to closed adoptions, although each situation is different:

 

1. Children can ask a birth mother directly why they were put up for adoption.
2. The adoptive parents and children can have access to medical records and genetic information that allows them to keep good health records.
3. Birth mothers have the option to participate in the adoption planning, even getting to choose who the adoptive parents will be.
4. The birth mother can be assured she has made a good decision placing her child up for adoption.
5. The adoptive parents can be screened to meet legal requirements.
6. The birth mother can receive assistance from the adoptive parents before and after the baby is born.
7. The birth mother can request information or on-going contact in the form of letters, pictures of her child, and/or phone calls.
8. The child can meet birth relatives too and thus establish a larger support system wider than their adoptive family.
9. The child knows where they came from and can even be exposed to their heritage and culture through the birth parents.
10. It allows the child to be able to process losses associated with adoption without making it a lifelong quest for truth.

 

A History Of Open Adoption

Open adoption was prevalent in the 1920's with social agencies not being involved too much. This led to fears that birth parents were advertising their children and placing them in unsuitable homes or selling them outright. The laws for closed adoptions and agency interventions didn't come around until the 1940's and 1950's. Many years later, the fallout from closed adoptions became apparent with many adopted children seeking their birth parents or their genetic and medical history.

Lawyers actually started the movement back to open adoptions by providing an independent agency that would make sure the laws were followed in adoption proceedings and speeding up the adoption process. In many of these cases because it was done in a lawyer's office the parents and birth mother did get to know each other. But, they had high failure rates because of the emotional and social issues of adoption.

By then, the social standards had softened and single mothers no longer were thought of as a shameful secret. Many began keeping their children and fewer children actually were released for adoption. This caused agencies to change so as to meet the concern by mothers that their children were being placed in good homes and would be treated well. If they did not change, fewer adoptions were processed. So, open adoption is becoming more and more the norm. It is a good way to ease the losses of the child, the birth parent, and the infertile adoptive parents and can provide benefits for all.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption Announcement, Adoption General Information

When making the decision to adopt an infant an adopting couple will come across a number of agencies willing to help them in their cause. Some adoption agencies deal only with International adoption, others only domestic and there are those that will work with all forms of adoption. Choosing the correct adoption agency for your situation is critical to a successful and speedy adoption process.

The scenarios that could affect whether an adoption ends successfully or with heartbreak are endless. It is key, when contacting and visiting adoption agencies, to ask important questions in order to logically select the right company to work with.

What are the costs?

Although, not important in the scheme of the emotions surrounding the adoption of an infant, different families have different resources and some agencies have different fees for different situations. The one caveat to be ware of is hidden fees; some adoption agencies tack on at the end or during the process of adoption.

Ask up front a detailed list of every possible fee the agency might charge or will charge. This way you are aware of what the final agency bill might be, or what adoption options you may want to or not want to choose. Also, obtain information from the agency representative as to when certain fees are expected to be paid. During the process of the adoption, many agencies expect funds at certain stages of the procedure.

It is also important to inquire about refunds. Some adoption agencies have a no refund policy; others will refund monies depending on what stage the adoption is at and others refund most or all of the costs paid.

What is their experience?

The number of adoptions they perform will also prove to be critical to the success of the adoption process. If the adoption agency handles a mind boggling number of adoptions each year they may not be able to provide the quality of support and service one would expect from an agency. Of course, if this is the case and they employ an equally high number of competent associates.

On the flip side of over extending themselves, some adoption agencies do not perform enough adoptions per annum to accrue the kind of experience needed to be able to offer the proper advisement when out of the ordinary circumstances occur. It should be realized, however, that some agencies pride themselves on the fact that even if they do not perform large numbers of adoptions, they provide a higher quality of support.

When discussing the experience of a particular agency, ask for references. Even though privacy is a major concern with most adoptions, there will be a handful of people willing to discuss their experiences with the agency.

What is the average wait time?

For most parents looking to adopt an infant, this is the most important question to ask. Adoptive parents have already made the decision to adopt and sometimes the wait can seem like the most difficult aspect of the entire process.

Most adoption agencies will have this information directly in hand and often take pride in the fact that their wait times are shorter than those of other agencies. However, simply because an agency purports a short waiting period does not mean they are the best adoption agency to deal with.

It is important to not solely base the decision of what adoption agency to choose simply because their wait period is shorter than their competitors. Take into account what steps and procedures each uses, it could be the one agency has a shorter wait time than another because they skip over valuable aspects of the adoption process.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption Announcement, adoption costs