The adoption triad consists of the children who are adopted, birth mothers and fathers and adoptive parents. Even if these three groups never meet together, their lives are bound to one another through adoption. The children are connected to both sets of parents, and the birth parents and adoptive parents are connected to each other through the children. There are joys and sorrows for everyone joined to adoption. Birth parents may miss the child they created, but may also be comforted that the child is being well cared for and loved in her new home. Adoptive parents may be concerned that the child will feel the loss of her biological parents but may be happy to love, care and raise the child. The child may wonder about her biological parents but may cherish and love her adoptive parents. These thoughts and feelings are complicated, complex and lifelong, and are dealt with more easily by some people while others may struggle with them. Each adoption is unique and so is the adjustment to it. But, with love and support, most adoptions are successful at creating loving and stable environments in which children blossom.

Not all adoptions are successful and some people are opposed to adoption, but those who support adoption recognize it as a way to provide children with a safe, stable, and loving home environment. If you are considering adoption, you probably already know some of the challenges. Our society sends mixed messages about adoption. On one hand, you have probably seen or heard public service announcements that talk about how precious adoption can be; what a difference you can make in a child's life. On the other hand, you will see movies or news stories where an adopted child has been in trouble or an adoption was done illegally. Of course, this happens. But, biological children also do horrible things and biological parents sometimes do horrible things to their children. Your decision to adopt should be about your family. Do you want to parent a child and are you willing and able to face the challenges that being an adoptive parent may bring?

These are a couple of very difficult questions that must be answered prior to beginning the adoption process. With the possibility of becoming adoptive parents, there is a responsibility of the highest commitment owed the potential adpoted children. It is critical that you do extensive research on the adoption process, so you can determine if it is truly an experience you can manage. The children must not be given false hope. At this point in their lives, they need and deserve nothing less than complete and reassuring love.

One of the main questions that adoptive parents must ask themselves is can they love a child not born to them? If you read stories and books by adoptive parents, you will find that the majority come to see themselves connected to their adopted children in ways not understood by people who think that a genetic link to their children is the essential tie. Years ago, Cybthia McFadden interviewed Barbara Walters and her adopted daughter about this very issue. Barbara Walters and her daughter were so loving and demonstrated so strongly the power of love as the key to successful parenting. The Lifetime Network had a show called Adoption Stories that profiled families' journeys through adoption. Watching these parents struggle through the adoption process and then watching these parents with their children, you could not help but be inspired. And, these families clearly loved and were loved by their adopted children.These families showed that parenting is a choice and they could easily love a child not born to them. While it might not be for everybody, for most people it is just another way to make a family.

Asking yourself these tough questions is important. For some people, the answers come easily. If you are one of those who know, you can meet a child's need for a family openly and you can help that child as he grows ( and support him if he has questions or struggles about his adoption), your next step is to find an adoption agency that can work with you to help you in this amazing journey.

Tags: Adoption Announcement, Adoption General Information

 

What will we face when adoptees ask their birth parents, "Why did you put me in a gay home instead of with a heterosexual family? Was it because the gay couple paid a higher fee to an attorney or the birth mother?" Many professionals and birth parents are concerned with what the long term effects will be when an adopted child is purposely placed with and raised by a same sex couple. For adoptees, dealing with the normal stresses of life, along with always explaining the relationship with their parents and their adoptions, are challenge enough. How much more confused will their lives become with the added stress of the abnormal parent issue?

Two adoptees, now pre-teens, recently shared about their struggle in life and how they confidentially wished their birth parents, as they put it, "had loved them enough to place them in a normal home." Nick, age 12, shared, "I just don't get where she was when she thought this was going to be the best thing for a me. It isn't the best and I hate her for what she did. Why didn't she want me to have a normal life? I don't even have friends over and they don't invite me to their house. It just sucks. I am a freak, being raised by even freakier parents."

Jodi, age 14, shared a similar reaction. "Like the kids in school expect me to be gay too. I'm not and I think my birth mother must have really not cared where I went. I look at my friends at school and they have like completely normal lives, a mom and a dad. I have two dads. One of my friend's parents found out about my parents and won't let me hang around with their daughter, because I might influence her. I hate my life and can't wait to get out on my own. I don't fit in. My biological mother didn't care and my adoptive parents don't care either. I don't know where I fit in." Jenny is a 26 year old birth mother who chose a Lesbian couple to adopt her twin girls who are now 10 years old. She says, "I thought at the time it was cool. You know, they didn't have a chance anywhere else, and I was the one to help them make a family. They (the Lesbian couple) showered me with stuff and I thought at the time, "Hey why not?"

That was 10 years ago.

She now tells us, "One of the twins speaks to me and the other doesn't want to have any contact at all. I feel very bad and regret my decision. I was young and stupid; the attorney I used pushed this couple on me. I could ring her neck now for taking advantage of me and telling me that the only people that could help me were a gay couple. I didn't think of what the kids would think later. I don't know how that attorney sleeps at night. I wish I had made another decision, but I didn't. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I did."

Most articles and reports focus on the rights of gay couples to adopt. No one talks about the rights of the children to be raised in an accepted family with a mom and a dad. They treat the children as a possession. Many prospective gay or lesbian parents turn to public foster care programs to create a family, as social workers are trying to get the children out of foster care and into any kind of home. The best interest of the children, again, is the last thing considered.

One social worker shared confidentially that she didn't have a choice. "I have a huge case load. They come in and push and push and we need to get the numbers up for the month, and we just roll over. I have never shared with my family what I do, but I carry a burden about the future. My job is very stressful; you don't know how hard it is to find parents for special needs children. If all I have to choose from are same sex couples, well then, they get to adopt the kids. What can I say?"

The system is set up much different than it was years ago. More state and private agencies are allowing gay adoptions in domestic and international adoptions. The agencies that are not supposed to accept gays turn their heads when asking a "single" parent about their family and personal life.

Some social workers flatly tell gay couples what to say on their applications and home study to get it approved. But what about the children? Until more straight adoptive parents step up and adopt waiting children, we will see an increase in children's anger regarding getting second best when it came to parents.

Nick and Jodi rightfully wonder how birth parents, social workers and attorneys will deal with the kids' anger for their actions today? Time will tell. And until then more children are placed in homes where the daily struggles and challenges of normal life suddenly have to take on the abnormal as well.

 

About the Author

Author Helen McDaniel is married and the adoptive mother of 3 children. She works with children in foster care and with family issues.

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption General Information

 

Today most Scientists & Adoption Agents are of the opinion that parents should inform their adopted children as soon as possible about their status. The issue should thereafter be discussed more often at various points in time to give the child/children a chance to grasp their special status and the opportunity to ask questions. Only an early introduction to the subject will give parents and children a chance to develop an open and trusting relationship between each other.

 

There are two sides to the process of informing a child about it's adoptive status: First of all the information has to be passed on to the child and secondly the child has to understand the information it has been given.

It is more than likely that a 4 year old child can be made to refer to itself as "adopted" and further tell that it has grown in another woman's womb before being adopted by it's present parents. This however does not go to say that the child has understood what an adoption really means. More so it has to be assumed that due to the child's use of very specific vocabulary related to the issue of adoption the parents are lured into the false belief that their child fully understands the concept of adoption. By doing so, the cognitive capability of a small child is highly overestimated. It takes approximately 10 years for an adopted child to fully grasp the information about its adoption which they have been given at the age of 3 or 4. This knowledge was the result of the scientific research by BRODZINSKY and his colleagues during the "Rutgers Adoption Project" (1986). The scientists examined 100 adopted children in comparison to 100 non-adopted children. There were 20 children in each age group: 4-5 years old, 6-7 years old, 8-9 years old, 10-11 years old and 12-13 years old. All adoptive children were adopted within the first 2 ? years of their life. Their understanding of the adoption was evaluated on the basis of a 6 grade chart.

 

Although the 4-5 year old children had all been informed about their adoption most of them did not have any understanding of the meaning of an adoption (grade 0). At an average age of 5 years and 6 months most examined children either assumed that all children in general were born to their biological parents or that adoption and giving birth are the same (grade 1). At the age of 7 years and 2 months children could distinguish between adoption and birth. They viewed it as 2 different means of becoming a part of a family. The relationship between the adoptive parents and the child was described by the children to be a permanent one. However they could not articulate a reason for the permanence of this relationship other than voicing the assumption that "The child is now owned by its adoptive parents" (grade 2).

 

At an average age of 8 years and 8 months the children were not so confident about the stability of the Parent-Child Relationship anymore. They believed that their biological parents would either claim them back one day or that their adoptive parents could also decide to give them away at some point in time (grade 3). At 10 years and 4 months of age the children were confident in the lastingness of the relationship between adoptive parents and child again. With regards to this newly found confidence they even referred to professionals in a position of authority such as Judges, Lawyers & Medical Doctors (grade 4). It was not until the average age of 12 years and 5 months that the adopted children understood that an adoption on a legal basis of specific laws incorporated the transfer of parental rights and duties from the biological parents to the adoptive parents (Grade 5).

The adopted children were aware of an Adoption Agency being involved in their adoption at an average age of 8 years and 1 month but did not know the actual task of the Agency. Approximately 10 months later they understood that this organisation plays a vital role in the process. In most cases the first assumption was that the Agency's purpose was to cater to the wishes of the future adoptive parents. Once at an average age of 11 years and 11 months the adoptive children understood that the Agency first and foremost acts on behalf and in the interest of the well being of the children put up for adoption, therefore screening the potential adoptive parents.

 

Brodzinsky and his colleagues research clearly shows that the understanding of an adoptive child with reference to its adoption develops in predictable phases. In the beginning the knowledge is still very general and slightly diffuse but becomes more sophisticated with time. This knowledge is also associated with a growing awareness of the connection with social organisations and the relating laws.

 

The research indicates how difficult it must be for a child under the age of 13 or 14 to process the fact of having a dual set of parents. Younger children don't grasp this concept at all, slightly older children find it hard to fit the characteristics of adoptive parents into their idea of a family concept. Eight and nine year olds know that parents and children are blood related. Adoptive children of this particular age group therefore question which family they are really part of - their biological parents or their adoptive parents. Bearing in mind that children of this age group (8-9 year olds) have not yet understood the concept of adoption including all its implications it is not surprising that they feel insecure of their position within the adoptive family and voice a lot of questions regarding their heritage. During a further examination of 156 adopted children aged 6-11 years old Brodzinsky and his colleagues (1986) found out that a child's comprehension of its adoption is neither influenced by structure of the adoptive family (only child, biological siblings, adopted siblings), their social status, the previous history of the child nor its age or condition of health at the time of adoption. This means that the comprehension develops through an intra psychological process by combining the newly received information with other relevant knowledge of family structure, social institutions, human motives, separation, loss, - etc. This Process is therefore imbedded in the overall cognitive development of the child.

 

The results of this research clearly show that parents and adoption agents generally expect the adoptive children to understand the process of an adoption too early. In return they are surprised when primary school children ask a lot of questions regarding their biological parents and their heritage, the reasons for being put up for adoption as well as being insecure in terms of their adoptive parents love and sometimes show signs of sadness and depression. Parents and experts do not understand these behavioural patterns and often wrongly judge it as negative although it is quite normal, age appropriate and probably inevitable. It is a sign that the children are trying to achieve a better understanding of the adoption. In order to do so they have to process the loss of their biological parents and the resulting emotions (sadness) at this age. This is being complicated by the lack of knowledge about their biological parents.

Consequently it is vital that adoptive parents make themselves aware of the fact that adopted children will comprehend the adoption with all its implications not until they have entered their second decade of life. They (adoptive parents ) can help the child to achieve a positive and extensive comprehension of the adoption by openly and honestly discussing the issue instead of avoiding it. It is equally important that they are also aware of the difference between adoptive families and biological families further understanding the special status of their own family. Primarily they should not overstrain the child and confront it with unrealistic expectations but should give the child the time it needs for the long lasting cognitive development process which will conclude in a full comprehension of the adoption.

About the Author

Jeff Conrad himself was a adopted child.
He wants to give you the best and most comprehensive information about adopting children from all over the world.
www.international-adoption-site.info

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption General Information

 

Today in the United States and Canada people who wish to adopt children will have to wait years and years. Sometimes people decide that it is not worth the hassle and they give up trying to adopt a child. This is a shame as there are children in the world today that deserve to have a loving family and they never get it. They are left in foster homes and orphanages until they are eighteen when they can go out on their own. In some cases the foster homes are good but there are some that are bad.

As a result of the long list of people waiting for an adoption to go through they start looking for other options. Today more and more people are opting for international adoption. International adoption is different from adoption in the United States or Canada. This form of adoption is an essentially a private matter between an individual or couple and a foreign courts which operates under that country's law and regulations. If you wish to take this route to adopt a child the United States authorities cannot intervene on the behalf of the adoptive parents.

For those people who are interesting in international adoptions they can obtain information from the Department of State. This could be information on the adoption process in various countries as each country may have different rules and regulations when dealing with international adoptions. You can also get information that deals specifically with the United States legal requirements to bring a child in the United States from a foreign country. There are also websites that can visit to obtain such information. These sites can explain the adoption process to you and you can even submit questions about anything that you want to know. The information is available twenty-four hours a day.

While there are certain things that the State Department can do for you to help in any way there are things that it cannot do. The State Department cannot become directly involved in the adoption process in another country. Nor can they act as legal counsel or representation of the prospective adoptive parents. They are also unable to order that an adoption take place or that a visa be issued. While the State Department cannot help they can put you in contact with someone that can.

About the Author

James Hunt has spent 15 years as a professional writer and researcher covering stories that cover a whole spectrum of interest. Read more at www.guide-to-adoption.info

Tags: adoption agency, Adoption Announcement, Adoption by Country, Adoption by State, Adoption General Information, international adoption

 

Adoption: Laughter and Tears

 by: Tanya Sturman

  

If you ever walk through an orphanage, it will be an experience youll never forget. Witnessing children in poverty, children discarded, children stunted both physically and emotionally, will stir your heart beyond belief. And adopting a child is a joy as great as witnessing the first sharp intake of breath by your very own newborn infant.

 The suffering of orphans vary from country to country, but even in the US, where conditions are as good as they get outside of Western Europe, less than 20% of those that age out of the foster care system are completely self-sufficient as young adults. The conditions elsewhere are sad and sadder, and the need for families to take these children home is dire, in some cases a matter of life and death. The orphans in Sierra Leone bear pain and suffering that no human being should have to endure. Food, potable water, and healthcare are in short supply. The median age in Sierra Leone is 17. Due to war and shortages of food supply, many of these children wont make it to that median age.

 Children waiting for adoption in Sierra Leone. The future looks bleak for even the average orphan. In Russia, 40% of the orphans who never find homes as children become homeless as adults, and 10% commit suicide after aging out of the system. For those with special needs the future is even grimmer. Disabilities are not tolerated anywhere in the world as well as they are in the United States. Wheelchair ramps and accessible public bathrooms are just a couple of outward signs of how integrated our society is. In many countries, special needs orphans will never leave the institution. In Russia, they are considered incurable invalids and put in a sanatorium for life. Kimberly Reese described the situation in both Hungary and Bulgaria, I saw NO special needs people ANYWHERE outside the orphanages.

 Susan Buchholz adopted from Vietnam twice. Both of her Vietnamese daughters are special needs children. The only people she saw outside the orphanage with disabilities were those peddling postcards to tourist. She also witnessed many children begging on the streets. This image still haunts her. Poverty is a way of life in Vietnam. She describes bringing home her second daughter, Teresa. Even at 14 months of age, she had only had formula and rice soup which I imagine to be a kind of rice cereal. Thai, from International Mission of Hope, told us that Vietnamese families do no teach their children to feed themselves until they are 7 or 8 years old to limit their intake of food. He said the teachers in the younger grades also feed their students for the same reason. 

Bulgarias orphans suffer emotional neglect. Kimberly Reese adopted two children from Hungary and one from Bulgaria. Ellas orphanage in Bulgaria was awful. I can say that both of my Hungarian children were well cared for and came home very stable emotionally. My Bulgarian child was clearly mistreated. she was like a wild animal. It was very sad.

Nikki from Hungary, and Ella from Bolivia. Like Susan, Kimberly adopted special needs children. Kimberlys oldest child, Nikki, is missing most of her left hand. Nikki was offered to Kimberly and her husband by the adoption agency and since they didnt think her special need was a big deal, they accepted her. Once we got Nikki home, we realized that these kids rarely ever get adopted in Europe– unless by Americans. Nikki is so wonderful. We requested special needs after that. Ellas special needs were emotional. Their youngest, David, was adopted from Hungary and doesnt have any hands. Because both Nikki and David have upper limb deformities, Ella always wants to be just like them. Strange, isnt it? She wants a hand like Nikkis or arms like Davids. I have seen her try to eat or drink using her elbows like David. 

These disabilities are a part of a natural life to Susans and Kimberlys families. Life is a joy with their beautiful children, and if anything the disabilities create laughter. One of the funniest comments I remember was when we first brought Nikki home. My cousin had adopted two kids form the states and we were having a party to celebrate. We were at the pizza place and my little cousin said, Kim, dont panic! They have got to be here somewhere! He was so serious that I started to get concerned as he almost frantically looked around for something. I said, what is it, baby?! He said, Im sure Nikki had them when she came in but she has dropped three of her fingers! It was a scream!

 Many parents choose international adoption just for this reason. They can offer a better– a much better– life to a child from an underprivileged country. They can see an angel where others have only seen an invalid. They can offer steak and chocolate cake to a child that has hungered for rice. Hundreds of thousands of children are waiting for families to rescue them from coming of age in an orphanage. For most the wait is futile. Sadder yet are the potential matches between orphans and families that go unpaired. There are thousands of families with the financial and emotional resources it takes to raise another child. They are willing and eager to care for and love a child as their own but unable to come up with the large adoption fees required upfront. The $20,000 price tag is a hard hurdle to overcome.

 Many adopting families beg and borrow enough to cover these initial fees from families and friends. Those who are able to cash in their IRAs or take out a second mortgage are fortunate. Some run up credit card debt to cover adoption fees. Many give up and never consider adopting again. The road to adoption is steep, but the rewards are tremendous. Imagine giving a child a warm bubble bath before bed. Now imagine that this is a brand new experience for your child. Warm bath water is a luxury many of these children never know. Even if you are unable to adopt a child yourself you can still make a difference by donating to a childrens charity which offers adoption grants to families adopting older or special needs children.

 

About The Author Tanya Sturman is the volunteer director for A Childs Desire, Inc., a 501 c(3) childrens charity. A Childs Desire offers adoption grants to children waiting over a year in an orphanage for a family to choose them. More information can be found at www.aChildsDesire.org grants@achildsdesire.org

Tags: adoption agency, international adoption, Orphans and Orphanages